I have a feeling that I don’t know what to do with. Could use input of others, but not really sure what I’m looking for other than an ear. Appreciation in advance to anyone able to comment. I no longer have anyone IRL that I can go to (my fault), hence coming to internet.
I’ve been feeling defeated for months now with no reprieve. It’s gotten to a point where I think about doing something, and just don’t actually try, because I know the feeling of reward doesn’t visit anymore.
I’ve never been more isolated than I am now, and have nothing to blame but my own self-isolating behavior. But I’ve always had a hard time just connecting and feeling at ease with other people. I’m 24 now, and there is only one person I have ever fully trusted. I still do. But it’s a complicated relationship, and they’ve already done all they can for me.
They were the one who told me recently (in a kind way) that I’m the reason I’m in a position of desperate and persistent isolation, and I am the only one who can fix it. I recognize that they are right. And still, I have no will anymore. What’s the point of pushing myself to the car station & refueling just to keep driving nowhere?
I am less and less convinced of my capability to participate in basic aspects of life. What brings me peace and fulfillment is exchanging interests/experiences/ideas/etc with others, which I can’t do in isolation. I want to get married and have a kid, and that now seems practically delusional.
I used to have bursts of sociability/confidence that I leveraged, and often enough succeeded in using to meet people, socialize, etc. I’ve completely lost my optimism and my luck. I haven’t had those positive feelings for months, and most of the experiences I have had with individuals/groups during that time have been so demoralizing. It feels pointless to even try to connect anymore. Me being me seems to come off to others as obscene or obnoxious/annoying.
I want to talk to others, but I get a pit in my stomach when I think about it. Sick feeling that it will be just encounter that leaves me feeling dejected or blindsided. And I know I am objectively a poor friend, so I feel conflicted. Why subject people I like to the impossibility of really knowing me in any mutually fulfilling way?
No traumatic incidents in childhood. Shelter, nutrition, medical care all provided. I was always very sensitive, constantly cried, and never seemed to really outgrow it, but I have no legitimate reason to be or feel this way, just am. Gratitude doesn’t ease the agony at all.
Not even sure whether to ask for advice or not. I know what I need to do to solve my loneliness, and I just haven’t. There is some resistance somewhere, and the more I push and push the more I do nothing. I have the knowledge. I have the means. I have no excuses. Why don’t I just fix this already??? What is missing in me??
Please no pep talks or “tough love,” they don’t help me. Am getting psychiatric and psychological treatment. Feeling hopelessly stuck.
Edit: I am appreciative of all the responses, I don’t think I was expecting it. I will engage as much as possible, just might take a little time.
“I have no legitimate reason to feel this way” is a trap I find myself in occasionally too. You have to recognize that there are many different battles people face. I also have a comfortable life on paper but struggle with motivation, organization, and purpose.
What purpose does it serve to constantly lay the blame on yourself for feeling bad? Why would you, who (ostensibly) wants to be happy, make yourself unhappy?
The reality is that everyone falls in a rut at some point. At 24, that likely stems from lots of inevitable life changes (moving, finishing school, etc). Your “plan” has always been made for you by others until now.
You say that you don’t see the point refueling if you ultimately don’t drive anywhere. I think this is a key point to recognize. Decide on a place to go, start small. “I’ll start drawing something once a week”, “I’ll go to the board game night at the game store”, “I’ll get the disks out of storage and go back to playing disk golf”.
I understand the feeling of imposing yourself on others. But you DO have value. Everyone does. Everyone won’t like every aspect of you, and that’s normal. But your ideas and actions matter to people even if they’re not always good at reciprocating.
Sorry if this sounds like terrible self-help bullshit. When I went through a similar phase, it took a lot of time and effort on my part to re-structure my routine and outlook to recognize that I deserve sympathy and love from others, and especially from myself. I examined my life and cut out some parts that weren’t making me happy. I reinforced the parts that did. I made peace with the parts others expected of me.
Thank you, I appreciate this. Far from BS.
Re: age, could see it being related to changes over the past several years. Nothing spectacular though, I had the opportunity to ease into a lot of adulthood. Now that I’m here though, I thought I’d have the motivation, means, and understanding to fix it all. Even reaching well back into childhood, I can’t recall a time when I wasn’t constantly on edge or sad/overwhelmed/the like. It was always considered sensitivity or just being a kid. Fast-forward and I’m still this way to a debilitating degree. I can’t pinpoint anything external and I think it frustrates me to have to look internally when it’s always been such as wreck in there.
Current goal is to walk around the block. After that to walk to store a few minutes away for groceries. (Agoraphobia is a menace). I set a deadline for the end of this month to keep in line with SMART standards (admittedly, not the first deadline I’ve set for it).
You’re right about imposing. At a certain point that’s just part of being a social being, I wouldn’t even call it imposing if it was anyone doing it but myself (I’ll sigh at that statement for you, I know it’s hypocritical). Maybe I thought shame would stop me from doing the wrong things, even though I’m well aware it’s been shown to not help. Second sigh.
Eventually you’ll internalize that everyone has their own thing going on and even if you are literally annoying someone, they probably don’t actually give much of a shit~
The things that got me walking more consistently were Pokemon GO, Pikmin Bloom, and Walkscape. It’s a lot easier to walk if you’re playing a game and the goal is to walk! See if those interest you.