Hello, I(31M) guess I will begin from the start of this relationship. I became friends with Kay(24F) who is a is an ENM relationship with Jon(24M). Kay and I really hit it off and began being intimate. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. While Kay and I were chilling Jon came home and was so upset he could barely contain himself. Kay’s demeanor changed as well. I just ignored it. The next time I was going to chill with Kay, she couldn’t because Jon needed to “apparently process something”. A week later I met up with Kay and she said she was overwhelmed and couldn’t hang out as often. I just took it at face value. I haven’t seen her since. She continues to text me, and insists she wants to see me. I am definitely confused, but should I be worried?
Yeah that’s a huge red flag. Ethical non-monogamy can only work if everyone is open and honest with each other about things, and it definitely sounds like K and J are not on the same page on this
I totally agree. Communication is key is making them work. I have been shut out of any communication regarding the status of their relationship. I know nothing. I Should I attempt to establish some communication? Or should I just fuck off?
Honestly it sounds like they need to work their stuff out before you should try getting involved at all, you’re just asking for trouble it sounds like
Yeah. Probably.
Worried about what? It seems clear she and J are having some issues and it’s probably better to not get involved. Behind closed doors they clearly have a problem they’re working through. What you need now are boundaries for yourself and to think about and talk about your own personal expectations with K.
I’m not sure exactly. Worried about Kay’s happiness and maybe safety. It just has left a bad gut feeling that I cannot shake.
Communication is key. Text her like, “Hey was thinking about you, everything ok with you and Jon?” And let her fill in the open-ended question with whatever she’s comfortable telling you about.
I was going to send a very specific and throughout message. I have it typed out and almost ready to send. But your suggestion may be better. We have been texting eachother Good morning and good night texts for months now. maybe I should drop it in one of them.
Offer to please Jon sexually in order to ease the tension. Only way forward, I’m afraid.
I have honestly thought about offering him the opportunity to join us.
In my opinion, as a default, ENM is a harder version of relationships. Some individuals may say they’re fine with it so that they get to be with the person they like, but when the rubber hits the road, they are not - cue jealousy.
Without further info, what I think I’m seeing here is J now has to decide if he’s okay with real ENM. And K has to decide if she’s truly ENM, likes one of you more, or is monogamous and telling herself she’s not (based on her decreased availability to OP). I agree with another comment that communication is absolutely key here, esp. if she wants to continue seeing both of you.
My guess is J will tap out or push K to cut OP out. If it comes to that, she may pick J due to longer commitment. But as my GF says - if you cheat, go with the new blood - if you were happy you wouldn’t have needed another.
Note/food for thought: my personal stance on ENM is that it’s less of a long-term solution than it is the dating version of FWB. No hate, I just don’t think on average it pans out better than FWB without extremely (read: beyond the average person’s) good communication and empathy. /endramble
Thanks for the thought out reply. I wish I could give you more information. Maybe this is relevant, Jon didn’t get Kay any thing for her birthday. I did. I care about Kay and just want her to be safe and happy. I don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. And I want her to be able to do what she wants. Jon is actively seeking his own side piece and has possibly found one. I don’t see him on Grindr anymore. Where as before he would be on it constantly while we would all chill. I’m of the stance that people should just love and fuck who they want, love isn’t a limited resource. All the rules and labels are BS. I miss my friends. Jealously sucks.
How long have they been ethically non-monogamous? Have they done the work to be ready to do it? I go to polyamory meetups and this isn’t unusual for couples who have recently changed the type of relationship they had and didn’t do much, if any, of the prep work. There is a lifetime of monogamy centric, or exclusive, experiences and media consumption that can be hard to let go of for some people.
Whether it’s jealousy or insecurity or something totally unrelated to your and Kay’s relationship, it’ll be up to you to communicate your own needs, concerns, or anything else and decide whether or not you want to continue, change, or end the relationship based on those discussions.
I’m crossing my fingers for you that he’s not an “ENM for me but not for thee” kind of person. If he is, then Kay will also have to decide if the relationship with Jon is something she wants. That, too, isn’t unusual in new ENM couples.
I cannot answer those questions. I can speculate. I feel they are new to ENM relationships and may have entered into it as a way to find new partners. Not much prep work or ground rules. Idk. It is kinda looking like Jon is that kind of person. I am so thankful for your advice! I will have to prepare a message to Kay. Any advice on how to communicate my concerns?
I have this: Hey Kay! So, I have a few questions that have been in my head for a bit. I have decided to ask you. When we last chilled, why was Jon so upset? Your demeanor changed as well when they got home. And the next time we were going to chill and you had to “process” something. Was that about us? Is Jon jealous? When y’all decided to become an ENM relationship, what was your true intention? I ask these questions because if I am the cause of any issues, we need to discuss them and figure out what’s going to happen. I care for you. I want you to be happy, content, and safe. I don’t want you to do anything you do not want to. And I want you to be free to do what you want.
My sympathies, jealousy is an insidious little bugger. I saw in your other post that Jon may be an “ENM for me not for thee” type. Though it seems that the ENM was going well for a bit. Maybe he realised his feelings for Kay were more monogamous than he understood them to be (forgive my monogamy bias, per my last comment haha).
I like your idea of messaging Kay and finding out where she’s at, and how things have evolved - if you have already, I hope you were able to have a fruitful discussion. If not, I think it’s your best approach.
One more thought. You’re in your 30s now, they’re in their mid 20s. As you approach this, try to remember how unstable and odd life was at that age - simultaneously being on top of the world and completely lost. Your extra years and maturity may help you navigate your own feelings about this and bring compassion for yourself and them as the situation unpacks, esp. if it turns hard (easier said than done, I know).
I hope things pan out well for you, and you’re able to shift back to enjoying your ENM relationship. All the best :)
J and K have or had a thing going? What is enm?
I think ENM stands for ethical non-monogamy. So a consensual open relationship.
Looks like J is not so consensual.
Or he is open to seeing other people himself, but not really to his partner seeing other people.
Yes, they’re in an open, committed relationship. That’s basically what ENM is. But there’s supposed to be communication.
Letters make this hard to follow. Fake names would be much easier to read.
I fixed it for you!
Thank you!
At a minimum your current situation is going to be dramatic, it could even get dangerous depending on how people handle this situation.
Red flags in abundance
That’s what I want to avoid. I ended up walking into a shit show.
