If there’s one phrase that has echoed in the back of my mind, it’s that I have no family, and by that I mean no children or spouse - and I’m middle aged.
I have relatives of course, sisters, nieces, nephews and a grandma. Both my parents died some years ago, so there’s no going home to them. My sister’s are so busy with their lives, and one actively ignores me, largely because she’s dealing with her own issues.
I’m not going to grandma’s, because my crazy creationist cunt of an aunt will probably call me a communist atheist while she parrots Isreali propaganda. I’d rather be alone than face that, which is sad AF since grandma is selling the family house and this will be the last year we can spend Christmas there.
Add to that the fact I never really had a full relationship because I focused all my time developing skills, something that used to bring me joy and the promise of success, but now I sort of hate what I do and haven’t been able to reach success. I’ve all but abandoned my dream and am deeply insecure about my future. In effect I have worked long and hard with nothing to show for it.
I have no feeling of belonging with my own countrymen even, and the foreigners are so self conscious that you instantly get pegged as “one of them”, “the other”, as they treat you as an inferior because they them selves have been made to feel inferior and feel the need to cope via toxicity. Can’t turn around without being slapped with some social pressure or putdown. I don’t feel like dealing with anyone.
This will be the second Christmas I spend alone and I don’t really feel like reaching out. I feel like a burden, like someone who has to be catered to, facilitated, tolerated. My only want is an escape. Whether that means leaving the country, joining a cult, moving out into a cave, I don’t know.
I just don’t know how to deal. I can’t really relate to anyone and I can’t find anyone I can trust, or who I feel I can confide in. So I take to the internet, to completely random strangers for respite.
Tell me your stories of loneliness, wether ongoing or from the past, how you intend to deal with it or how you dealt with it.
I am very lonely, because in this world I have been left behind. We are living in a pandemic, and yet most people pretend we do not. I am disabled, have long covid and have been left behind by the majority. I had to give up everything because people refuse to fucking mask and spaces accessible. Staying at home for christmas is the best thing you can do for your health. We are during a global covid surge, the numbers are very high pretty much everywhere. Travelling at this time, especially maskless, is a recipe for death or disability for yourself and anyone else who you would gather with.
I’ll come right out and say it. Big cities were a mistake. I say mask and have disinfectant at every door. I’ve worked in public spaces, and toilets are the worst. And the things people put in their bodies? Ew. Then you look at all the plagues in history that was prevented by common sense hygiene, and you kind of want to remind everyone that your personal space is and will always be 1m distance at all times - no exceptions.
Yeah, at the very least, the ways cities are should be completely reorganized and redesigned. Air filtration systems everywhere. Fancy self cleaning toilets. Accessible buildings. Prioritizing walking, bikes and mobility aid vehicles over cars. And air filtration in public transport. We could do so much better.