cw self-harm, child abuse
spoiler
I have been out of my abusive household for like 1.5 months. I ran away with nothing but a small backpack across the whole big country to save myself. I thought getting out of this situation would fix me but I was wrong. I get stuck in old patterns, sometimes I act like i’m still with my family. I feel guilty for everything even thought my best friend i’ve been living with tells me I haven’t done anything wrong. she’s sick and tired of me saying “i’m sorry”
sometimes (often) I can’t help but cry and beat myself. beating myself helps me stop crying and hating myself so much. especially when I feel i’m guilty and should punish myself like I was punished for every little thing as a child
today I had a flashback into my childhood and then had a vision of the escape day but I didn’t succeed in stealth escape like it was in reality, I saw myself being caught and dragged back and punished by my grandmother, I saw myself screaming and fighting her but losing I freaked out and got all hysterical and then uncontrollably beat myself until my friend stopped me
she gets very worried about me when I beat myself or cut myself with a knife (although I have done it only once since I started living with her unlike family times when I used to do it every week to cope with fear and abuse)
so, my question is: how do I make myself feel better if I mustn’t hurt myself? sometimes it is things I don’t want her to know so I can’t always tell it out
If it’s not possible to completely stop yourself from self-harming, try to use harm reduction principles such as keeping a well-stocked first aid kit or harm in ways which are less dangerous. Snapping a rubber band on your wrist is one thing that you could try but since you seem more likely to beat yourself (I’m assuming punches to the head/torso type of thing) then getting a punching bag and beating up the bag instead might help redirect your emotions outward.
You need therapy for sure but I don’t know how attainable that is for you. Without professional guidance in reprogramming your feelings of guilt and self-hatred you can only do so much. But be kind to yourself. Affirmations may seem corny but telling yourself you did nothing wrong, didn’t deserve your abuse, and are worthy of love from yourself and others, can make a tiny start on the road to healing.
In any case I hope you are able to grow and heal from this and find peace in your life. Much love from an internet stranger.
thanks, I’ll try the rubber thing if I succeed to get one!
I’ll get therapy when I move cities again, my another friend is going to bring me to the therapist who saved him when I get to Moscow but it’ll probably be a month or so…