cw self-harm, child abuse

spoiler

I have been out of my abusive household for like 1.5 months. I ran away with nothing but a small backpack across the whole big country to save myself. I thought getting out of this situation would fix me but I was wrong. I get stuck in old patterns, sometimes I act like i’m still with my family. I feel guilty for everything even thought my best friend i’ve been living with tells me I haven’t done anything wrong. she’s sick and tired of me saying “i’m sorry”

sometimes (often) I can’t help but cry and beat myself. beating myself helps me stop crying and hating myself so much. especially when I feel i’m guilty and should punish myself like I was punished for every little thing as a child

today I had a flashback into my childhood and then had a vision of the escape day but I didn’t succeed in stealth escape like it was in reality, I saw myself being caught and dragged back and punished by my grandmother, I saw myself screaming and fighting her but losing I freaked out and got all hysterical and then uncontrollably beat myself until my friend stopped me

she gets very worried about me when I beat myself or cut myself with a knife (although I have done it only once since I started living with her unlike family times when I used to do it every week to cope with fear and abuse)

so, my question is: how do I make myself feel better if I mustn’t hurt myself? sometimes it is things I don’t want her to know so I can’t always tell it out

  • orcrist@lemm.ee
    1·
    1 year ago

    Obviously it’s easy to say things and often hard to do them, but one casual observation is that self-harm is a temporary way of managing some issue, but it won’t actually solve the issue in the medium or long run.

    So on a general level, I hope you’re looking for those broader solutions although it could be that they will take quite some time to find or implement.

    And in the short run, if there are other ways you can manage your feelings that don’t have side effects such as guilt or possibly leaving scars or bruises or health risks such as infection, those are probably worth trying.