Hubby is ADHD and I am not. And it’s usually me trying to speak when he is silent but “still talking”.
How did we get this backwards? Lol
It’s exactly the same for my gf and I lol
My whole life!!! And if I can’t speak up then im gonna forget what I was gonna say lol
So many topics I’ve wanted to add to in my life. Lost in the oblivion of my brain forever…
Hey, the thoughts always return when it is pointless, you know, anywhere from an hour to days/weeks later when the other person has totally forgotten the convo
I’m no longer listening so I can remember what I want to say.
sorry guys my ping is high
Don’t complain about getting fragged then
It’s either staying silent because you’re anxious and don’t want to be rude by interrupting people. So you’re just bored listening to a non stimulating conversation.
Or, the conversation is something you like a lot and you keep interrupting people and bothering them so the conversation ends.
The rare third option is you sync with another neuro atypical person and bounce back and forth with each other while everyone else stands their silent unable to follow a conversation that seems to make no sense. But makes perfect sense to you both.
How many milliseconds pause should I wait before I start speaking? Or does it depend on culture/other factors?
If you don’t speak it was 300 ms less than you thought. Someone else said something and started a different topic.
If you do speak it was 300 ms more than you thought. You interrupted them and you’re an asshole.
literally me every day to the point a lot of people cut ties with me over this. Like, don’t pause for three straight seconds and then proceed to speak up again the MICROSECOND I talk!!
Try actually listening to the person speaking, instead of just waiting for your turn. There’s often clues to when there’s a pause, and when the person is done.
Yes, tell the neurodivergent individual to listen for social cues, because neurodivergent people are just so good at picking up on those, right? Not like having an innate inability to pick up on social cues is one of the most common traits of neurodivergent individuals.
We do listen to them. That’s why we want to comment on what they said but we literally cannot tell when it is appropriate to speak up and, for those with ADHD, if we don’t act on that thought immediately or hold it, and then be unable to continue paying attention to the conversation, we lose it.
I struggle with this with my son. I do my best, but being interrupted has been a peeve of mine for decades. Ultimately the social cue issues need to be worked at from both sides, it can’t all be one person’s burden or they’ll go mad.
You’re telling people with a disability that they have to work on their disability instead of accepting that you need to make accommodations and cope with them for the sake of those with disabilities to be able to comfortably exist in your presence.
It’s like telling someone with tourettes to just work on not ticking at inappropriate times or the blind to just work on being able to see. You make accommodations for them because you understand that they cannot change this aspect of themselves.
The symptom that is a lack of social acumen isn’t just a lack of effort where they need to try harder. It is a physical difference in their neurology that prevents them from being able to perceive these cues. We can’t just “work on it”.
Yes, it is a struggle but, remember, it is also a struggle for them to simply feel comfortable existing in social settings as a fundamental truth of their existence that they cannot change. You can learn to cope with the emotions you feel because you are dealing with someone with a disability that inconveniences you.
The best we can do is be as polite as we can that we have something that we want to say. It’s you that has to learn to cope that we with this disability cannot innately perceive your arbitrary social cues of when it is appropriate to interject our piece during a conversation.
Edit: I’m done arguing with people who want to make excuses for ableist mentality. Continue forcing those who cannot change this aspect about themselves to do the impossible instead of learning how to be tolerant of those with disabilities.
It’s a difficult and tetchy issue at the best of times, but I’ve got to say I’m also in the camp that believes that issues of difference need to be worked on from both sides. My partner has ADHD and often interrupts me, which is a pretty big trigger for my CPTSD, so we work through that together as best we can. I know that she struggles to control interrupting me, just as she knows that I struggle to control getting triggered when she does so. We have a common understanding and both work on being accommodating to each others’ needs. Over time, we’ve struck a great balance that works well by meeting each other in the middle as best we can.
I also have coeliac disease. While I get frustrated that many restaurants, events, friends’ houses etc. don’t have gluten free options, I also understand that it’s my responsibility to manage my disease. Sometimes that means bringing my own food; sometimes that means going hungry. I can’t walk through the world demanding that everyone provide an experience that caters to my disease (like a good number of coeliacs do). I would feel selfish doing so.
Society is a co-op game. We all have our strengths and weaknesses; our abilities and disabilities; our positives and negatives. We all have to make accommodations to one another to achieve the best outcome for everyone. None of us have the right to dictate that others cater to us unless we’re also willing to cater to them.
As a side note; ADHD does not imply that a person is neurologically unable to understand social cues. Other forms of neurodivergence experience this to varying degrees, but that’s not an immutable criteria of ADHD.
You still have responsibility, even if you are disabled. Imagine being in a wheelchair but refusing to wheel it around yourself, instead demanding others push you.
With regard to my own mental health issues, I have always lived by the words “it is not my fault I have these issues, but it is my responsibility to manage them as best I can”.
For my young boy, I’ve been trying for years and have already spent thousands trying to get him a diagnosis so that he can seek the accommodations he will certainly need in life. It’s been a huge struggle getting him any help because he doesn’t struggle in school - his extroversion makes him excel in a room full of kids (for now). I know you can’t put responsibility onto a kid his age, right now the work is to equip him with the tools he’ll need and, I expect you’ll disagree with me here, the mindset that he can’t just make it everyone else’s problem.
I’ve never heard a physically disabled person talk about how everyone should treat them like they’re lesser. They struggle, they sometimes have to accept certain limitations, and even when they fail to overcome their disabilities you want to cheer them on. When people see them doing their best, everyone is on their side. That’s what I want for my son. I don’t want people to pity or resent him, and if he pities himself like this, that mindset will only hold him back.
I don’t need you to tell me this is like “telling a guy in a wheelchair just to stand up”, we’ve been over that, and I disagree. My goal is to tell the guy in the wheelchair to live his life to the fullest, get strong arms or decorate the chair, live so that nobody says “aww” when he rolls up. Because when we tell ourselves that we’re just broken and everyone else has to figure it out, they stop saying aww sooner or later. Nobody roots for someone who has that mindset.
I just hope I haven’t misunderstood anything you’ve said, because we’re both speaking somewhat stridently here and I’m genuinely not trying to piss you off, I’m just stating my own values. We’re not alone, we all need each other, and that means everyone pulling in the same direction, in whatever way they can.
literally me every day to the point a lot of people cut ties with me over this. Like, don’t pause for three straight seconds and then proceed to speak up again the MICROSECOND I “Remember when …” talk!!
