So I’m not sure if I can or should continue my relationship with my fiance or try to fix things. We’ve been together for two years now. When we first started dating they said that they were working on finishing their masters degree but they have not done so. They also said they’d be going back to work after they finished their degree. They have just been running through their savings and staying at home. They do most of the chores but the house is often a bit of a mess. Now they’re saying that they want to wait until after kids to go back to work. My family also thinks it is a bad idea to marry them.
After kids? After kids are born? After kids move out? Are you expected to be the sole provider for the entire family until then? What job will they get without having finished their degree?
It’s extremely common for people to struggle finishing their degree, especially when they question their viability in the job market. You two are partners in this, and if they expect you to provide for them, then there needs to be a conversation about expectations. If you love them, talk about what they want out of life, what they want to do as a career, and whether they are studying what they want or if it’s just stalling getting a job.
This doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship if you want to make it work. But it is a major red flag if they expect you to pick up their financial slack.
After kids are in school. They’re expecting full support during the whole first years of kids.
So, you’re thinking 5 years before school, plus another year of pregnancy, and you said “kids” plural, so add another two years between them, and you’re not married yet. That’s like 10 years before your partner gets a job, and you’re paying for everything?
Yeah, that’s what it’s looking like they want.
Is that what you want? Is that what you discussed or envisioned together? A breadwinner and a homemaker? Because that can work if it’s what you both want, but there are several reasons that arrangement has fallen out of vogue. It creates an imbalance of power and an uneven distribution of labor. It can foster resentment when neither individual fully understands the struggles of the other. You think you’re doing more than your fair share all day at work, and resent the money they spend. Meanwhile, they spend all day keeping up the house and raising children, and you come home and leave some dirty dishes in the sink or your boots on the floor, and they think you don’t respect or appreciate the things they do.
As in all things, communication is the key to a happy relationship. Talk about your desires and concerns, talk about what you want from the relationship and from your life. Can you afford to live on a single income? Do you want to sacrifice family time to earn a living? Being responsible for a single income family means you’ll need to put work first a lot, or risk letting everyone down. Is that what they want?
Not at first. This is fairly recent. She already gets snippy about me not helping that much around the house. I do help but I’m not taking on half of the work.
Ok, well, best of luck. Therapy is always a good idea, and couples therapy might be worth the discomfort of getting to couples therapy.
Thank you :)
Do you currently have kids together? What is the timeline for these things? Its a lot of time to have two people living off of a single income especially if you two aren’t married yet
Not currently. But as soon as we get married.
If you are having doubts about marriage be careful about having kids right away. Once you have kids you are locked with that person forever. If they aren’t fully pulling their weight now having kids won’t make that any easier. These are serious issues that need to be considered before getting married and having kids. Wedding and then having children is a huge financial, mental and physical burden.
How does the work load work currently for wedding planning? How about the workload for pregnancy and child rearing? Have you talked about it or are you assuming it based on gender roles? These are all important decisions to make together as a team. If they can’t finish school or even work its difficult to see them doing their fair share or if they aren’t working doing more than their fair share of domestic labor. (Which is real difficult labor and should be counted as such as a couple)