So you’ve read the title, let’s get some bullet point info out of the way:
- I’m pan and mostly cis, my partner knows this.
- My partner is a bi cis woman.
- We’re monogamous but have talked a little here and there about whether we’d want to open it up one day.
- She knows I’m switchy and like butt stuff.
- She does not know I crossdress and am into chastity + light exhibitionism.
- I don’t flirt with people on here, I just post pics of myself.
- I have an anxiety disorder and one of the ways it manifests is an aversion to intimate conversations (she knows this).
- This is not the first account I’ve had/first time I’ve posted pics online/etc.
I know this may not be the best place for moral discussions but it feels like my best bet. I’ve been worried about this in the past, but we’re taking steps to broaden our sexual horizons together and I think there’s a chance we may eventually get to this topic. So if we got to the point of “I want to post pictures from a session online” and I mentioned having this account and she saw it existed for a year or so, well… I can see that being a difficult thing to react to.
At the same time, though, this has really helped me gain confidence and feel like I can actually open this side of myself up to her, which I want to do! I’m just scared of rejection and our relationship is more important than any kinky stuff.
I think an important note is that I don’t consider anything I’ve done “cheating” or anywhere in that territory. I’m not out here sexting or sending private pics, I leave compliments for others and thank people for their compliments on me. But I could also completely understand someone being unhappy their partner was doing it without their knowledge.
I know one of the answers to this is, of course, “talk to her” but this is way too much to throw out all at once. Deleting it all and not telling her would be an option, but I do think it would continue to weigh on my conscience.
So my questions would be:
- Have I screwed myself (no pun intended) and the relationship by not telling her?
- If your partner did something similar (with my same hard boundaries about flirting), how would you feel?
- Any tips on how to bring this up?
UPDATE MAY 20 For anyone hopping back to this thread. I still haven’t told her properly about the account, but I have taken some huge steps.
- We now do chastity stuff and had a very good, long talk about our D/S dynamic.
- In said long talk, I did bring up the possibility of posting photos online.
- In said long talk, she mentioned that she subscribes to the GentleFemdom subreddit which I did not expect but was very turned on by.
- She has now seen me in my lacy bodysuit, and we’ve talked about putting me in lacy panties sometimes.
- She even asked whether I got the bodysuit from a male or unisex section, to which I said “I don’t think it was marketed as unisex but I don’t care, I just wanted to try it out” and got a good response.
I know it took longer than some folks in this thread advised, and obviously it’s not done yet, but I’m pleased at how things have played out. And thankful again for the advice!
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As an old married guy, I think hiding pretty much anything other than a birthday present is a bad idea. When you find out someone you’re in a relationship with was hiding something from you, you’re likely to feel betrayed even if you didn’t care about the things itself. You start wondering what else the person is keeping from you. Trust is hard to regain.
Add to that, if you marry someone you can’t be 100% yourself with, you’re setting yourself up for an unsatisfying relationship. If, down the road after marriage, you admit to something about yourself that you kept to yourself, it’s pretty unfair to the other person, and if you never admit it, it’s unfair to yourself.
First, be gentle with yourself. I think if you are marrying someone, you want them to know about all the aspects of your sexuality even if they feel neutral about some of them.
I think you will just have to straight up tell her one of your pleasures is posting pics online, first ask if she likes to do that herself, ask if she wants to see yours when you do. If you personally don’t think you’ve done anything that crosses a line please don’t borrow trouble. As long as you are ok if she enjoys the same, I think you are good. Sooner is better for this.
Oh, and I know you say that the relationship is more important than the kink, but you are a whole package. You can’t be someone else, she is getting you. You say that embracing this side of your sexuality has brought you confidence, it must be important. What you are saying (I think) is that you don’t need her to be enthusiastic and turned on by it, or directly participate, you can easily enjoy sex with her however she likes or needs, and be satisfied and happy, that makes sense. But you do need her to love you for who you are.
i dont know if its immoral. im a woman and i would more feel weird that my SO wanted to hide anything from me. i dont care if he watches porn or jerks it or flaunts it. hell i dont think id even care if he fucks another woman, so long as it doesnt effect our relationship and is transparent about it. maybe im unusual in that way because im very left wing, i dont know.
I wish I could say that there was a one size fits all answer to your questions, but the reality is that it really all comes down to your existing relationship and the boundaries that you’ve both discussed together. What’s considered cheating is a nebulous concept - some couples might consider simply watching porn cheating whiles others are fine with having multiple partners.
I’m just scared of rejection and our relationship is more important than any kinky stuff.
You need to ask yourself if you would be comfortable being in a relationship where you always need to be hiding a part of yourself. I’ve tried it and honestly repressing these things have a way of manifesting problems regardless. Kink in general is about learning to accept and express the parts of ourselves that we usually keep locked away. I was terrified at first to tell my partner I even wanted to shave, but all she did was covertly ask if I’d prefer feminine pronouns. Now we almost always have matching manicures lol.
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You haven’t screwed yourself, but you should approach the conversation with the care and tact it deserves. Anxiety or not, these are difficult conversations that need to be had. Maybe it’s not as bad as it once was, but we live in a world where a lot of behavior outside the hetero masculine norm are heavily stigmatized and posting pictures has been an outlet to express yourself where you otherwise can’t.
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If I were told I’d be skeptical, but I wouldn’t personally be mad if my partner(cis female partner, me a bi queer man) came to me and said she was taking and safely posting boudoir photos for an exhibitionist thrill. I would understand, but I would be a little hurt and disappointed that she chose to not to include me in that part of her life though regardless of my feelings on the content.
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Truthfully if this is something that would be a huge paradigm shift for your relationship I would say to ease yourself into it. Start by introducing chastity or (safe)exhibitionism into your current bedroom play. Maybe set up a couples Fet account and see what you both learn about one another in the process. I wish I could offer advice about breaking the news about crossdressing, but that’s a hurdle I haven’t come over completely myself.
Good luck.
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