It’s just one of those times where you have to accept that D&D is a boardgame, and the small details fall apart when you try to make “real” stuff fit the rules.

A round is six seconds. If you want to apply logic to it, the DM would just say that the ball/rail/tungsten rod only moved up a few people in six seconds.

Alcoholist is an older word for alcoholic. They might be older, hence the older word

The inclusion of a rape joke made this go from funny to unfunny so quickly.

Granted this was from 2010, and we were all making terrible jokes back then.

Exactly. It’s obvious who the cops were siding with here.