Any time I have been stupid enough to go inpatient has only traumatized me more. I still have nightmares. I went in December, was misgendered repeatedly, physically assaulted. When they let me out, I hadn’t even spoken to a treatment team. They didn’t even give me a work release form, so I got fired and lost the health insurance and money that was allowing me to see my therapist then. All I got was more things to have nightmares about. I would rather be dead than in inpatient care. There is no protection from sexual or physical assault in inpatient care. Being gone from work for a few days now would probably put me on the streets.

I can’t afford a therapist, because I can’t get a job with health insurance, because I am trans.

I had to give up my pets after my ex tortured me and kicked me out. I miss my cat.

When I was in therapy, it didn’t help. I got worksheets.

What I need is to have someone I can talk to when my brain is on fire to help me calm down. That’s what I would think 988 is supposed to be for. But instead it’s just the script and the police.

I have PTSD. All of the therapists in my area do CBT. CBT does not help. When I am triggered my brain is not capable of doing the stupid “replace this thought” shit because it’s not a cogent thought. It’s panic and fear and being a helpless little girl with the scary man and the women. I need help getting my mind out of that place, but instead it’s the scripts and the police which make me more scared and more worse.

There is no help for PTSD. That’s why people end up homeless. People don’t like that you don’t talk someone out of it.

For one, not characterize the idea that I and all trans people are terrorists as an “opinion.”

For another, idk some basic fucking words of comfort? A paragraph of “oh well some people have political opinions” and then the scripted “are you planning to kill yourself” that they ask so they can trace you and call the cops?

Maybe “wow, the world is really fucking hard right now and you’re strong for choosing to live in it.” Idk. Something that doesn’t sound like a fucking robot “both sides”ing the idea that my existence is fucking equivalent to ISIS?

How about the acknowledgement that calling the cops could just get me raped and murdered, and that if I went inpatient they’d put me on the wrong gendered floor, misgender me, and do absolutely nothing other than give me pills?

Maybe that’s the problem innit - what does mental healthcare look under fascism? Maybe the problem is that actually isn’t anything they can do, that THERE IS NO HELP.

But yeah, maybe at the BARE MINIMUM human warmth and not giving off the immediate vibe that they’re reading off a script where half of the off tracks are a knock at my door and losing my civil rights.

Idk, I thought the “professionals” who are “always there to help” would know how to help? I’m not a mental health care professional, why should I be expected to know what needs to be said to help me when I’m having a panic attack?

Me: “wants to talk about the absolute fucking fear and terror I’m feeling”

Then: “on a scale of 1 to 5, how are you feeling today?”

All therapists are good for is sexually abusing you when you are a powerless little kid anyway. No one cares.

The help line is unable to provide any help. They don’t hire therapists, they don’t hire trained people, they hire people with psych BAs that read a script and call the cops the second you go off of it.

But no one wants to hear this. Everyone wants to feel good about themselves when they post a 988 ad or say “there’s no stigma in asking for help.” But there is, 988 is a joke.

And yeah, maybe clogging the line is a good thing. Maybe it’s a good think that they can’t call the cops to have people in crisis summarily executed. Maybe I even saved a life, LOL.

ITT

😡 mentally ill person having a crisis is talking like a mentally ill person having a crisis 😡

There is no human empathy in the world. This is why I want to die. Reaching out for help is a fucking joke. I’ll just down another six pack so I can pass out again. Thanks!

Yeah, the current political situations where the Vice president of the United States is saying that people like me are terrorists has nothing to do with my mental health. The fact that I am terrified of saying anything about wanting to die because really, that’s all the do, is wait for you to say something that lets them end the call and call the cops.

I was in fucking crisis. I’m still in fucking crisis. There is no help. 988 is a fucking ad campaign and no one gives a shit. If I ever do get the courage I’ll shoot myself in front of vibrant headquarters and then maybe then someone will fucking listen.

I waited half an hour and got no one

The most important part is to never be hostile, you can’t be angry about being sexually assaulted in inpatient care or express any symptoms of ptsd or you deserve no sympathy and should just kill yourself.

It’s just the “opinion” of behavioral techs that tranny faggots should have the shit be beaten out of them and get raped, and it’s very important to respect that opinion. Any disrespect or anger means that the tranny faggot is a crazy who doesn’t deserve to have an opinion anymore.

Death seems so fucking nice. They can’t do worse if I’m dead.

You know what? I’ve been on hold with 988 for half an hour. Thrrr is not help. I should just kill myself. I’m done. I am so absolutely done. I can walk out on the street and stop hurting. I reached out to the people who are supposed to help and they are robots who read scripts and no one cares. No once cared about me. I want to die. I give up.

Yes. 988 where I live thinks that it’s an “opinion” that all trans people are terrorists. 988 reads a fucking script and calls the cops on you the second you go off script.

My intent is that I would LOVE HELP. I have reached out for help multiple times and not found it. Please tell me where I can get help and not be terrified and want to die anymore? Please tell me how I can find help where I’m not terrified of the “kindness” of having cops spirit me away to the fun place where they call me a girl and blow vape smoke in my face and rape me if I’m really unlucky.

“Appears to be” yeah how dare I reach out for help. I should be grateful for the “help” I got. I’m a huge ass fucking faker because I’m not brave enough to walk into traffic.

Being angry about being tortured and sexually abuse means that I don’t deserve help. That’s the consistent theme. Maybe I should just walk into traffic. There has been no help or empathy. Death at least would quiet everything down.

Do you think that I’m not in crisis right now? They made it illegal for tranny faggots to do the job I got my degree in and now they’re saying we’re all domestic terrorists. I don’t think I’m allowed to exist as a tranny faggot anymore and that’s pretty fucking traumatizing crisis mode shit. At least this time 988 didn’t calll the cops on me and subject me to a three on one beat down.

I’ve called lawyers LOL. Couldn’t find a lawyer to help me after my ex tortured me. There is no help here.

They told me they were the only person working and refused to talk to me because they needed to keep the line open.

LOL I wish I was brave enough to kill muself

Don’t worry, it’s been a full hour later and I got nothing.

Literally every step of this year long journey to get this facility investigated has been “you need to pay for a lawyer” from state agencies.

Like, I’m sorry, I thought sending kids home from school covered in unexplained bruises would be a crime? Like fuck, I’m working two jobs and can’t afford a fucking mattress, but I seem to be spending more time on the child protective things than the people who have salaries and health insurance for this? And you also want me to pay money?