Went drinking after after a pride fest and ended up topless at the gay bar. First time being topless in public since growing tits. Hundreds of people saw them. It felt so good. Being seen as me is amazing

Could get a PP appointment this week. I’m so anxious. I’m always anxious now-a-days. I don’t know what to do. Anxious about parents finding out. About more changes from T, about transitioning. About current events. I just want to lay down and give up. I clearly was not built for dealing with stress like this. I’ve been stressed. I don’t know what I’m hoping for from people here. There’s nothing to do to stop it and honestly I have no idea how I can minimize it. Goals I’ve been meaning to work towards but haven’t I guess, not sure why I seemingly can’t work on it. Fuck me. Back to stressing and survival mode I guess

Still a bit sad from yesterday, but I do feel a lot better.

Went to the town center and got lost in the crowd for a while, looking at all the people and I don’t think I stand out as ugly or weird like I felt yesterday. Also, watched a bunch of tiktoks of this trend where women remove their filters and make-up and stuff and it made me feel ten times better even though it’s just a silly social media trend. Good to be reminded of how people actually look instead of comparing myself to perfect instagram models.

It is kind of a powerful thought the idea I’m ending my genetic line by choosing celibacy ngl. It’s like they say breeding ran in my family until it ran into me

Thanks for the reminder. Plan to finally get around to watching TV glow sometime this month with my brother. Almost did yesterday, but account log-in issues. So we watched another gay movie instead. So tonight or next weekend!

i miss being able to swim

Okay chat, I finally got a chance to talk with my friend about helping me. Her big concerns were safety and legality, she wants to take me to Planned parenthood for an appointment so I talk to the doctor about everything (worried I might have some condition that makes me ineligible, tried explaining but its nbd). My only concern is I don’t know how medical charts or anything works. I’ve let basically all my doctors talk to my parents about stuff, is this on a per doctor basis or is there one list of all my shit they can see? Or if I just don’t give planned parenthood permission to share, then that’s kept between me and them? And they won’t tell my other doctors?

Also I still want to get diy so I have a supply and don’t have to take an AA, anything I should say to her about that? Only thing I think she’d be worried about is legality and I know at least some vendors do not ship in the most professional packaging.

Also also rough idea of how much is this going to cost out of pocket?

I had a pretty amazing dream last night. I was the captain of a space crew of 5 being sent to a distant planet for the first time.

For unspecified reasons (maybe engine failure, time dilation issue, being overtaken by faster ships) we arrived later than anticipated, and other Earth humans with around our level of tech or slightly higher had already got there, only to disappear centuries before us and leave an abandoned space station in orbit and a facility on the ground.

We explored the ground station in space suits we had for the planet but got trapped and were going to die, the whole facility was suspended/perched precariously on the rim of a crater over lava. The air was toxic.

Then we were rescued by even more advanced humans and I awoke in a community in a terraformed crater with breathable air, green grass, trees and white and glass buildings.

The humans spoke English to us but stilted, as if we were talking Latin now (they had a modern language too). They gave me this sick white uniform, very Napoleonic era naval inspired.

They were kind of in awe of of us as ancient Human explorers. They had really long names and when they found out my short name (even by today standards) they were amazed.

But they absolutely lost their shit (positively) when they found out I was a trans woman. These future people had the gender binary. In fact even more than us, because they had gene therapy that could allow them to “treat” all trans and intersex in youth. (they also seemed to have a class system but not money/surplus extraction). So I was kind of like a mythical figure.

I got the gender affirming nightgown (it’s just a really sexy nightgown). Even sleeping makes me feel happy now.

Want to learn Russian but idk where to start. I switched to F-droid and Aurora Store , so many apps relay on Play . May or may not finally buy T .

i really hate being “they”'d but other gender neutral forms of endearment cause me to melt a little on the inside. “Honey” “Sweetie” “Dear”, especially coming from an older woman is peak gender for me

Beyond that though, I really can’t stand not being gendered and it’s odd

went to the thrift store and made a new friend, anyone have a good name for a llama?

Worst feeling of dysphoria i’ve felt in a year or something today, feel like shit

Going to a wedding next week and am trying to figure out how to make a suit more androgynous/femme. I’m out to most of my cousins, but I’m only really close to a few people in the family. Everything online suggests doing a dress, which I personally am not about