One time someone posted about platonic snuggling with their girlie friends and tbh that’s maybe the most dysphoric I ever felt

Imagine having a friend who wants to be that close to you. Imagine being physically close to another human being.

I didn’t realize that friends are, like, affectionate, or that they can be. I feel like a broken baby, learning basic things as an adult.

I just want to be like the pretty people who have that effortless confidence. Who seem to make friends wherever they go, who seem to always be mid-conversation.

If I had girl friends, I would want to go shopping. I would want to learn about being a woman, about femininity. About being pretty and doing makeup and how to learn what shirts fit good. About being flirty and charming.

Apparently expressing this makes me intense. I don’t think it’s intense to think these things. If you do, I’d appreciate if you explained why. Because I genuinely don’t see it, I’m just speaking my mind.

"If you want to be friends, I must see you standing in front of me on three separate occasions. We cannot speak until the third occasion, and you may only mention the weather or something we can both see in our immediate surroundings. If you say too much, the offer will expire. I will smile confusedly and that will be your sign that the offer has expired. Say the perfect amount of words, and I will smile casually, signaling that we are moving towards friendship. We are not yet friends. If you want to be friends…

I don’t know what to expect. Any time I hope, like maybe a new connection will happen, that doesn’t really work out. I feel like a fed just walking around quietly by myself

I’m hoping to collect goodies, I guess. Idk.

One neighbor woman who lives in the same building as me really stresses me out. The hair, the outfits, the walk… I’m pretty sure we were in school together, but I didn’t see her really in the spring, so I thought she graduated and moved.

Anyway my assumption is “oh she’s already heard stuff about me” because of how small the school is. Like, I know she’s friends with the girlfriend of a classmate of mine. I’m like “she’s heard about me, she has an opinion about me”.

But she’s really pretty and she always has friends hanging out and wears great outfits. I feel myself unable to speak. And like, what would I say, besides “may I have girl lessons please thank you”

I often wonder how more neurotypical people view friendship and conceive of it. I’m very in-the-weeds about reciprocity, commonality, being intentional, and really there’s just a lot of logistics and stuff that I feel has to be managed.

I’d love a friendship where we just agree to keep in touch and be present for each other and that’s the point, but I don’t think that it is the point for a lot of people.

If I thought I could take things less seriously without the friendships falling through, I would. But the slowly widening gaps between texts, the shorter responses, I see the patterns from a mile away. It breaks my heart regardless.

I just imagine it’s easier for most people. Walk in, talk to a group of strangers, maybe a lingering thought about a smell, or something, but way fewer nerves involved.