• idefix@sh.itjust.works
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      10 months ago

      As much as I understand your opinion, I’m really struggling to understand how couples meet outside of apps now. I’ve been in a long-term monogamous relationship for more than 20 years, I’m completely out of the loop.

      • Got_Bent@lemmy.world
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        10 months ago

        I’ve been single for five years now.

        I got rid of social media and then COVID hit.

        I honestly don’t even know how to socialize anymore let alone date.

        Fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be, my relationship history has me so jaded, that I really don’t have any desire to date.

        If I did desire such a thing, I have no idea how I would go about it. There aren’t any more physical community places unless you wanna go get shitfaced in a bar, and I’m long since past those days.

      • AdolfSchmitler@lemmy.world
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        10 months ago

        Bars/Pubs. The booze helps lubricate those social wheels. Or friends of friends being introduced to each other.

        But honestly anywhere could be a place to meet someone if you’re not a creep about it and don’t try to force it.

        • Portosian@sh.itjust.works
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          10 months ago

          Kinda sucks when you don’t drink though. Best advice I’ve heard was to take up a social hobby, but I haven’t a clue what that would be either.

          Like you said, find an excuse to leave your house I guess.

          • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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            10 months ago

            I think there need to be social locations like bars for people who don’t drink (or don’t drink a lot) but do use cannabis. Weed “bars” where you can have a similar social situation with a different type of social lubricant that gets people talking.

            That still wouldn’t cover everyone, obviously, but it would add to the mix.

          • richieadler@lemmy.myserv.one
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            10 months ago

            Best advice I’ve heard was to take up a social hobby, but I haven’t a clue what that would be either.

            The problem with that is that I have zero tolerance for stupidity and superstition, so I’d have a lousy time in most conversations or initial dates.

            “What sign are you?”

            “Check!”

            “What church do you go to?”

            “Check!”

      • EnderMB@lemmy.world
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        10 months ago

        Oh man, I know that feeling all too well! MySpace was a thing when I was last dating, so it’s like an entire world has passed by. A while back, I was at a bar with a friend, and he let me swipe through Tinder on his account while he got a round in, and having that kind of easy access to dating when I was younger would’ve been absolutely petrifying.

        • richieadler@lemmy.myserv.one
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          10 months ago

          having that kind of easy access to dating when I was younger would’ve been absolutely petrifying

          To fair many don’t see that as “easy access to dating” but as a fast track to public humiliation. For me it would be like those apps don’t exist, I’d never use them.

      • harry_balzac@lemmy.world
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        10 months ago

        I’ve used MeetUp to find local events geared towards single folks. Some groups are really good…others not so much. It’s helped me get used to socializing and meeting new people again though.

      • nickwitha_k (he/him)@lemmy.sdf.org
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        10 months ago

        Have been in a monogamous relationship for a while as well. I think that the rreliance on apps is a false need, cultivated to make more money on said apps as their goal isn’t to lose customers by finding good matches but to keep extracting profits. There’s a significant conflict of interest that makes me think that they are little more than a scam that ocassionally helps people hook-up despite the companies’ best efforts.

        Glad that I don’t have to deal with dating and dread the idea that I may have to in the future because I hate it but my suggestions would be:

        If looking to cultivate something with long-term potential, put relationship goals on the backburner and participate in an interest that has a possible social component. If one is genuinely interested, they will find people who find them interesting.

        If looking to get laid, probably bars in the US (unfortunately, not usually a great place to meet people just looking to socialize, unlike Ireland or the UK).

        Alternatively, if one is into kinks or curious and able to be not creepy (can be extra challenging for single men), getting involved with a kink/fetish community that does non-play meet-ups might be a good option. As noted, it can be a bit of a challenge for single men to get accepted, but is not impossible. This is because such groups tend to be very zealous about protecting their community and single men have historically been higher-risk for abuse, assault, and not honoring kink contracts. (As a man, I don’t like the discrimination but do understand and agree with it as I’d rather some guy get hurt feelings than someone end up in the ICU or a dumpster).

      • thisisnotgoingwell@programming.dev
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        10 months ago

        Tell that to the women that go to my gym with their asses hanging out. I mean I’m honestly offended because I’m here to spend time with myself in self-reflection and conditioning but now it’s ruined because I’m asking myself all kinds of questions like “how much little validation does she get from life that she needs to do that? And she’s looking around, scanning for eyes. She knows wtf she’s doing. Women will complain about being sexualized as an object and then do shit like this! If she needs male attention that badly, why here, of all places? Does she not have parents? I’d hate to be this girls father. Then again, there probably isn’t a father in her life if she’s going out like this. I mean it’s not even an aesthetic body! If you have sculpted leg muscles, etc then fine. You’ve earned the right to show that off. But this chick doesn’t even have a noteworthy ass. The only thing noteworthy is that it’s outside of her shorts. Why the fuck would you do this to me? I’d still hit it though.”

          • Ummdustry@sh.itjust.works
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            10 months ago

            Yeah I refuse to believe that any synthetic fibre clinging that tightly to you can be comfortable. Heck i’ve spoken to a lot of women who would rather wear something more modest & comfortable but can’t find it because the stores don’t stock it.

    • Halosheep@lemm.ee
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      10 months ago

      On the contrary, I have two real life friend couples who met at the gym and are now married with children.

      If consenting adults are meeting one another in a public space, they should be free to approach each other.

      • Crozekiel@lemmy.zip
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        10 months ago

        I think the biggest problem is that people go straight to trying to flirt or hit on someone… We’ve spent too much time on Tinder where it is sending as many one-liner pick-up style openers that people start to think that is a normal way for an interaction out in the world to go. Generally, the majority has forgotten how to talk to people face to face in real life in a normal and appropriate manner.

        Also, if they are now married with children, I have to assume they met a few years ago and at least possibly, maybe even likely, it happened before the shit hit the fan like it has now. The dating world has been rapidly changing over the last few years.

        • lad@programming.dev
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          10 months ago

          Sounds like what you propose is some common sense for the ones trying to hit on someone who’s not interested. And I would say that would make sense everywhere, not only in the gym

          • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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            10 months ago

            Yeah, just don’t bother people wearing headphones period. If they wanted to be bothered, they wouldn’t be wearing headphones.

            • Arcka@midwest.social
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              10 months ago

              What if you want to listen to your own playlist or podcast, but also wouldn’t mind conversing should the opportunity arise?

              I don’t agree that headphones should automatically include antisocial implications.

        • Zink@programming.dev
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          10 months ago

          It sounds like the way those people act would be a big problem anywhere, and they probably wouldn’t abide by any new etiquette rules unless the gym was ready to lose money by throwing them out. And even in that case, they could just follow their target to the parking lot which would probably be even more uncomfortable and scary.

          People SHOULD be safe from harassment no matter where they are. But I think any place that brings people together is going to eventually create some relationships.

      • richieadler@lemmy.myserv.one
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        10 months ago

        If consenting adults are meeting one another in a public space

        “Consent” is a problem when men try to hit on women using headphones, or when people don’t get the hint that you really don’t want to have a conversation with strangers.

        • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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          10 months ago

          But that’s more an issue of modern society’s overall problem with lack of courtesy, not a specific problem when it comes to trying to find a girlfriend of boyfriend.

        • ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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          10 months ago

          That’s the thing, you never could know. Back in the old days you would ask things like “hey you wanna maybe go out sometime” but now since that itself is an affront for which you can be publicly shamed without needing to be pushy or make unwanted physical contact, the only places acceptable to meet people are the bars and apps. I think the only way to fix it is to either create new public spaces centered around dating that don’t center around alcohol, or to culturally shift back a little from “it isn’t ok to ask a woman out anywhere but the bar” to “asking people out is ok as long as you take no for an answer the first time and don’t push, and don’t touch 'em.”

          Also you bring up an interesting point: consent to being talked to. If one needs to give consent to be talked to, and one cannot give consent under the influence of alcohol, then one cannot be spoken to while drinking, therefore I deduce the bar is the most inappropriate place to meet women and the gym is leagues more appropriate since everyone is mostly sober there. Watson! Get my gym shorts! (Yes this part was a joke, I hope the Sherlock Holmes reference was a clue to that.)

    • KISSmyOS@lemmy.world
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      10 months ago

      This is lemmy, there is no “downvote to oblivion”.
      The default algorithm here basically sorts by new while the thread is fresh and downvoted comments aren’t hidden.

      Besides, your opinion isn’t unpopular at all.

      • psud@lemmy.world
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        10 months ago

        I have several choices on how to sort comments. He could have gone to the bottom for me (but not by stating the common opinion)

      • lad@programming.dev
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        10 months ago

        I think, the rule of not being bothered if you don’t want to communicate should be applied everywhere. Also, I find it healthier if people talk to each other at least a bit, but I mostly attended a gym with a stable population (and quite a long time ago, unfortunately) so that may have affected my opinion

    • Jax@sh.itjust.works
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      10 months ago

      I don’t think it’s an unpopular opinion so much as unrealistic one.

      Cultivating your body at the gym means you will look attractive at the gym. This is just how the human body is, and the gym is a place for everyone. If you don’t like that it’s a place for everyone, go outside. There are plenty of things you can do with just your body weight to stay healthy. You can get your own weights, as well. You do not need to destroy your body systematically in order to maximize gains and aesthetic in order to stay healthy. If you decide to do so, you take what comes with it. “It” being gym bros hitting on you during your workout. Simply turn them down and move on.

      • Ummdustry@sh.itjust.works
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        10 months ago

        I agree that it’s unrealistic, but for a different reason. So long as the gym is one of comparitively few acceptable public spaces for people to “socialise with intent of romance” people will flock to it for that reason. Any gym that enforced some kind of ‘no flirting’ rule is incurring a real financial risk.

        • grandkaiser@lemmy.world
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          10 months ago

          Hitting on people is equivalent to racial segregation and centuries of hatred…? Besides that whole can of worms, how did your parents meet? My dad hit on my mom at a summer camp. I met my wife by hitting on her at a store. Hitting on people is the most traditional way people hook up. Weird to me that people are trying to demonize public flirting.

          • richieadler@lemmy.myserv.one
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            10 months ago

            Weird to me that people are trying to demonize public flirting.

            People like you want to demonize the desire to be left alone by strangers, and sadly you’re in the majority, so stop whining.

            • Leg@lemmy.world
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              10 months ago

              Humans are social creatures by nature. Some of us prefer to be left alone, but others welcome the company and advances of strangers. I don’t think it makes sense to demonize people for wanting to be left alone, but respect goes both ways. People are going to flirt. People are going to like it, other people aren’t. Everyone is valid. Reject and move on. Be rejected and move on.

            • RobertOwnageJunior@lemmy.world
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              10 months ago

              You’re one of those super special ‘introvert’ people, that aren’t really introvert, but just anti-social, right? What have the bad, bad extroverts done to you? Did you have to leave your house and go to work? Or did you even have to talk to a cashier yesterday. Poor soul.

              • richieadler@lemmy.myserv.one
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                10 months ago

                And you are one of those “forced social” who accost people with headphones when you’re bored or horny, and then call the uninterested women “bitches” and the uninterested men “assholes” when you don’t engage directly in fights with them, right?

                You’re not entitled to people’s attention or interest.

                • RobertOwnageJunior@lemmy.world
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                  10 months ago

                  You’re a dumbass. I never engaged anyone with headphones, because that’s a clear sign of not wanting to communicate. Your dumb mug isn’t one. Maybe you should stay in your 4 walls or wear a sign with ‘I’m an anti-social twat, so don’t talk to me.’, if you don’t want anybody talking to you ever. Smartass.

                  • richieadler@lemmy.myserv.one
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                    10 months ago

                    You’re a dumbass. I never engaged anyone with headphones, because that’s a clear sign of not wanting to communicate.

                    That may be true (I doubt it, but whatever), but legions of guys don’t care about that kind of hint.

                    Maybe you should stay in your 4 walls or wear a sign with ‘I’m an anti-social twat, so don’t talk to me.’, if you don’t want anybody talking to you ever. Smartass.

                    Yeah, I see how engaging with you it’s certain to be a delightful experience.

        • RobertOwnageJunior@lemmy.world
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          10 months ago

          I nearly puked myself reading that comparison. You getting hit on in the Gym is nothing like being a black person in the 50s.

        • Jax@sh.itjust.works
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          10 months ago

          I couldn’t* care less what it reads like to you, in your world nobody talks to anyone and everything is black and white. I’m good, I won’t ever want to live in your world.

          Edit: the video