I have a feeling that I don’t know what to do with. Could use input of others, but not really sure what I’m looking for other than an ear. Appreciation in advance to anyone able to comment. I no longer have anyone IRL that I can go to (my fault), hence coming to internet.
I’ve been feeling defeated for months now with no reprieve. It’s gotten to a point where I think about doing something, and just don’t actually try, because I know the feeling of reward doesn’t visit anymore.
I’ve never been more isolated than I am now, and have nothing to blame but my own self-isolating behavior. But I’ve always had a hard time just connecting and feeling at ease with other people. I’m 24 now, and there is only one person I have ever fully trusted. I still do. But it’s a complicated relationship, and they’ve already done all they can for me.
They were the one who told me recently (in a kind way) that I’m the reason I’m in a position of desperate and persistent isolation, and I am the only one who can fix it. I recognize that they are right. And still, I have no will anymore. What’s the point of pushing myself to the car station & refueling just to keep driving nowhere?
I am less and less convinced of my capability to participate in basic aspects of life. What brings me peace and fulfillment is exchanging interests/experiences/ideas/etc with others, which I can’t do in isolation. I want to get married and have a kid, and that now seems practically delusional.
I used to have bursts of sociability/confidence that I leveraged, and often enough succeeded in using to meet people, socialize, etc. I’ve completely lost my optimism and my luck. I haven’t had those positive feelings for months, and most of the experiences I have had with individuals/groups during that time have been so demoralizing. It feels pointless to even try to connect anymore. Me being me seems to come off to others as obscene or obnoxious/annoying.
I want to talk to others, but I get a pit in my stomach when I think about it. Sick feeling that it will be just encounter that leaves me feeling dejected or blindsided. And I know I am objectively a poor friend, so I feel conflicted. Why subject people I like to the impossibility of really knowing me in any mutually fulfilling way?
No traumatic incidents in childhood. Shelter, nutrition, medical care all provided. I was always very sensitive, constantly cried, and never seemed to really outgrow it, but I have no legitimate reason to be or feel this way, just am. Gratitude doesn’t ease the agony at all.
Not even sure whether to ask for advice or not. I know what I need to do to solve my loneliness, and I just haven’t. There is some resistance somewhere, and the more I push and push the more I do nothing. I have the knowledge. I have the means. I have no excuses. Why don’t I just fix this already??? What is missing in me??
Please no pep talks or “tough love,” they don’t help me. Am getting psychiatric and psychological treatment. Feeling hopelessly stuck.
Edit: I am appreciative of all the responses, I don’t think I was expecting it. I will engage as much as possible, just might take a little time.
I really feel like I could’ve written your whole post myself, word-for-word. The isolation (which I might presume seems to come from inside and everywhere else at once), a fundamental need for social fulfillment that’s practically in spite of yourself, nebulous senses of cyclical futility, remembering, wanting, knowing, seeing, and still not being able to reach, it feels like a unique struggle to be in.
You tell me if I’m projecting in between the lines, but damn. Not going for pep here, just an observation, but maybe it’s not so unique after all.
And friends don’t let friends call friends bad friends, friend. Everyone’s a bad friend, that doesn’t make you a bad friend. We need good friends more than they need us, anyway. I don’t really know what I’m saying anymore.
You described it both on the dot and poetically, no projections. Thank you. A lot of physical pain comes with the emotional for me as well, maybe you can attest to the same. I’m sorry you understand it so well : /
Re friends, I should prob clarify this person has never called me a bad friend, it’s an assessment I have of myself. That part was more about something they said in honesty, not malice. They were pointing out that tend to cut others off out of fear instead (this is documented behavior of mine, unfortunately) and need to stop giving so much energy to the past (this is also true) and see the good in myself. I just don’t think I quite described it properly, please pardon me for that.
Just realized you may have meant something about my assessment of myself with the friends part, if so ignore above and consider the spirit of the statement appreciated and implemented.
You got it lol. I’m the same way there too, I kind of meant that I bet they didn’t say it, so neither should you (we). Screw the pardon, I’m glad you shared your mind! Heartbreak is real, and it doesn’t even have to be about romance.
Personally, I’ve always felt like I just feel differently. Like other people can separate themselves from something I can’t; I stay attached. And usually there comes a point where a part of me says “you’re too invested in this” and tries to cut-and-run. Somehow with all that I’m still a romantic and see so much more, yet struggle to see anything in myself.
I’m not sure whether I’d be more or less surprised if that’s still on point for you. The older I get, the more I realize we really do live in a society, and maybe that’s what keeps me going.