I have a feeling that I don’t know what to do with. Could use input of others, but not really sure what I’m looking for other than an ear. Appreciation in advance to anyone able to comment. I no longer have anyone IRL that I can go to (my fault), hence coming to internet.
I’ve been feeling defeated for months now with no reprieve. It’s gotten to a point where I think about doing something, and just don’t actually try, because I know the feeling of reward doesn’t visit anymore.
I’ve never been more isolated than I am now, and have nothing to blame but my own self-isolating behavior. But I’ve always had a hard time just connecting and feeling at ease with other people. I’m 24 now, and there is only one person I have ever fully trusted. I still do. But it’s a complicated relationship, and they’ve already done all they can for me.
They were the one who told me recently (in a kind way) that I’m the reason I’m in a position of desperate and persistent isolation, and I am the only one who can fix it. I recognize that they are right. And still, I have no will anymore. What’s the point of pushing myself to the car station & refueling just to keep driving nowhere?
I am less and less convinced of my capability to participate in basic aspects of life. What brings me peace and fulfillment is exchanging interests/experiences/ideas/etc with others, which I can’t do in isolation. I want to get married and have a kid, and that now seems practically delusional.
I used to have bursts of sociability/confidence that I leveraged, and often enough succeeded in using to meet people, socialize, etc. I’ve completely lost my optimism and my luck. I haven’t had those positive feelings for months, and most of the experiences I have had with individuals/groups during that time have been so demoralizing. It feels pointless to even try to connect anymore. Me being me seems to come off to others as obscene or obnoxious/annoying.
I want to talk to others, but I get a pit in my stomach when I think about it. Sick feeling that it will be just encounter that leaves me feeling dejected or blindsided. And I know I am objectively a poor friend, so I feel conflicted. Why subject people I like to the impossibility of really knowing me in any mutually fulfilling way?
No traumatic incidents in childhood. Shelter, nutrition, medical care all provided. I was always very sensitive, constantly cried, and never seemed to really outgrow it, but I have no legitimate reason to be or feel this way, just am. Gratitude doesn’t ease the agony at all.
Not even sure whether to ask for advice or not. I know what I need to do to solve my loneliness, and I just haven’t. There is some resistance somewhere, and the more I push and push the more I do nothing. I have the knowledge. I have the means. I have no excuses. Why don’t I just fix this already??? What is missing in me??
Please no pep talks or “tough love,” they don’t help me. Am getting psychiatric and psychological treatment. Feeling hopelessly stuck.
Edit: I am appreciative of all the responses, I don’t think I was expecting it. I will engage as much as possible, just might take a little time.
I feel this on a primal level. I don’t have any answers, neither do my doctors. I suspect it has something to do with PDA in relation to multiple ND traits, but it’s not in the DSM or ICD, so… yeah. Nobody knows what the hell to do about it. I’ve had my fill of inapplicable advice over the years. People just don’t understand. I don’t think there’s even language for it. Like, imagine if there wasn’t a word for “lion,” or “leopard,” or “lynx.” All we had was “cat,” and all most people are familiar with are house cats.
“…there’s a cat in my yard. It’s very big. And loud. Lots of hair. It’s eating my dog, and covered in blood.”
At what point in that exchange does someone just stop listening, as you’ve gone past what “cat” means to them into what’s clearly exaggeration? This is how I feel talking about some of my internal barriers. But I can’t take a picture of the carnage and show someone. Because it’s all inside. So I get told to just try a little harder, over and over, as if I haven’t been fighting uphill this whole time.
It’s exhausting. And maddening. I don’t know what else to say except that I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the shit.
I’m sorry in return, especially that you can describe it so well. It’s hellish. The cat analogy is too appropriate for this. Exhausting, maddening, and infinitely miserable.
I’m sorry in return, especially that you can describe it so well. It’s hellish. The cat analogy is too appropriate for this. Exhausting, maddening, and infinitely miserable.