TL;DR: We had a talk because GF said she doesn’t like some behavioral stuff about me. I said tell me what it is, and maybe I can work on it. She said no, changing, even just small changes, for the partner makes no sense, better find someone more “similar”. It’s a bad signal for me because it implies she wouldn’t take compromises either. I can’t see myself being with someone who can’t talk about stuff like that and take compromises.
We’ve been together for more than a year. I haven’t noticed it myself that much during that time, but we recently had a talk. She told me that she’s unsure if we really fit together long term. Topics like differing interests and behaviors of me that disturb her. I told her I didn’t know she dislikes my behavior for these specific cases, but if we talk about it, we can work on that. I’m happy to adjust some stuff like cleanliness at my home (we don’t live together, and it’s about stray newspapers, a pair of socks on the bedroom floor and the likes, for that particular case).
I thought I proposed a good and honestly quite normal solution. Talk to each other, take compromises for my partner, accept them not being perfect. Sadly, I was wrong. She proposed that she doesn’t like the idea of me adjusting my own life for her sake. She also indirectly said it could be better to date someone that doesn’t need compromising to fit her “needs”. Obviously she didn’t pick those words, but that’s what I understood.
Now, I love my girlfriend and I obviously try to make it right for her. However, her not accepting that I’d change little things about my life for her sake is kind of a bad sign for me. She was so extremely against that, it makes me think she doesn’t feel like taking compromises either. In fact, it’s quite obvious now, she wouldn’t really take a trade-off. And I’m not here for that. While I’m mostly fine the way she is right now, I don’t think it’s possible to be together without compromises for any couple. I thought back into the past a bit and it’s true. She doesn’t really do much to find compromises with me, it’s basically just me who accepts her stance on whatever it’s about.
Also, who happily agrees with every quirk and decision their partner has? You’ll have disagreements, and sometimes it’s not about who’s right or wrong. You just have to talk about it and try to find a way around it. If it’s a huge disagreement and there’s no viable solution, fine. There are dealbreakers. But other than that, I’m sure you can find a compromise for most stuff. At least that’s how it works in my mind if you really like a person.
Right now, I’m trying to find out if I really understood her correctly, but if nothing changes, I don’t really see a future here. My two close friends that know about this both asked if I’m her first relationship, but I’m not. However, it from what I heard she was like that in previous relationships as well. But can’t be sure.
Has this ever happened to you? Am I the weird one? Am I unfairly only telling my side of the story?
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Based on what you wrote, sounds to me like she wants out.
I think that a healthy long term relationship will require some compromise from both partners. Over the course of a lifetime there will be things that two people don’t agree on, sometimes very strongly. Being able to talk through those issues and work out an appropriate compromise is crucial to the longevity of the relationship.
If she’s insistant that the shorts of issues you’ve described are deal breakers for her I think there are a few possible reasons:
- She wants out of the relationship and is using these issues as an excuse
- she’s not really ready for a longterm, serious relationship
- The issues are more serious than you’ve described and she’s not explaining her complaints in a way that makes clear to you what is really wrong
Recently, two quite serious things happened in her family, so I’ve been thinking about the impact that could have. However, she’s never been good at describing her problems with me, or tbh with anything. She never seems happy with pretty much anything, always tells me how upset something made her (external events without my involvement). I don’t really see it based on her descriptions, but I assumed she just either wanted to get rid of it by ranting or she’s very sensitive to such disturbances. I did talk to a friend of hers one time, and she did ask me if I also get that feeling, so I’m not alone on that. My girlfriend also talks a lot in “signals” and usually I’m not the only one to struggle understanding them. So, for all you know, I might be picking everything up super wrong.
To be more specific about her past relationship problems, she mentioned she usually broke up with them because they just didn’t “fit” well. While everyone so far had small discrepancies like we have, it was mostly for the big stuff. For example, she didn’t think she could have kids with them (without conversation), or she thought they’re too into work (no more specifics on that one). And upon talking about, she did mention we don’t have such big discrepancies so far. I did ask if she felt like we should break up anytime soon, but she said no she wants to stay, since I only have small “problems” (obv not her direct words). Her concern is more about the future. About moving in with me, for example. Based on her financial and familiar situation, this won’t happen anytime soon, though. So, the situation is fine for now, she quite literally stated. It’s really a long term thing from what I understand.
Essentially, I don’t believe she wants out right now. It felt more like a warning that she probably won’t be able to eternally stay with me due to what I said before. At this point, it’s kind of my decision, I feel like. Invest in a relationship that might not be what I want in a couple of years, or break up relatively soon.
Of course it’s hard to be objective here. I might be talking out of my ass,
She sounds like a child…
Yeah, sounds like there’s no winning unless she goes through some personal growth herself. I don’t think the things she mentioned are the actual reasons, they seem more like her signalling that she wants you to break up with her.
Not a direct statement she ever made, but she definitely mentioned she prefers being the one to say it. So I don’t think she’s actively trying to make me jump ship. I just think she grew up reading fairy tales and somehow doesn’t wanna stop believing in “true love” or soulmates or whatever brings the point across.
Yeah, that perfect guy is probably never going to show up for her. I guess you could try to be straight up with her about how relationships actually work, but I don’t know if she’d accept that from you directly. Ideally a third party sits down with her and lays it all out.
The reasons you gave seem like very minor things to stumble over, especially considering you want to fix them (like, just get a hamper for your room, and make it a habit to tidy up your place before you leave, I’m sure those are things that would serve you well whether your relationship continues with her or not).
Yeah, I don’t think she’d accept that fact from me. It would probably sound more like self promotiom than actual advice. Sadly she’s really not into counceling or therapy, no matter if professional or not.
About my habits. I actually do have a hamper, jusr not in room. I usually change clothes in the bathroom but sometimes you just get lazy. I mean I pick stuff from the floor at least once a day before I vacuum anyway. To me it’s really not a big deal. Sure, tidier is tidier, and I’d love to work on that. But IMO it’s not that bad (idk that statement makes it sound bad somehow).
I did actually start a series of examinations to get possible diagnoses for underlying problems in myself, especially because my girlfriend mentioned some things like half a year ago. But ever since she hasn’t been happy about me “going to therapy” for stuff like that. Apparently in her mind thats not a good approach or whatever
At this point I’m really not too sure wether I should stick around much longer, but I guess intuition will play some role in that.
This type of thing can be tough. I was with someone once, on and off over the years. Prior to that we were best friends, and remain so still. But the last time we dated was the last time. Before then, the “off again” times were due to life stuff where it just wasn’t feasible. But that last time we were having an argument and I said something similar to what you said. “Relationships take work. We have to work together to make it better for both of us.”
She said “No, love is supposed to be easy.” I was just so absolutely shocked that someone I’d know both as a lover and as a good friend was that naïve and I never noticed it. We’d both been there for each other through problems with other relationships and it just never came out. But when it did I knew that, at least for the two of us, it wasn’t going to work. We ended it that day and have never dated again. That was probably 10-12 years ago. We’re friends now, and I think she’s probably learned more about relationships since then. She’s got an amazing kid and is in a relationship that makes her happy. But she wasn’t going to learn any of that in a relationship with me. Growth tends to come from loss and she probably figured it out along the way with someone. Honestly, probably from having a kid.
But you sound fairly young. My advice is don’t waste time in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you. And it sounds like she doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t like aspects of you now and doesn’t believe in changing. It definitely doesn’t sound like she’s planning to be in it for the long haul if she thinks a person should just like everything about their partner, she doesn’t think a person should change their habits, but also she doesn’t like your habits. Following that train of thought, she doesn’t see herself with you forever. You’re just here right now. You don’t have to put up with that. Live your life for you, not people who are too selfish to care about your happiness.
Ideally I’d like to hear from your girlfriend directly, but assuming that’s not possible…
I agree with the other reply: she either wants out of the relationship for unrelated reasons, or is far too immature (or ignorant?) to have a healthy long term relationship
I’m married. Compromise happens all the time in healthy relationships. That’s not “giving up” or “changing” for the other person. It’s changing for yourself because you want to make the other person happy.
My mother taught me this one: If there is something I can do that will make my wife feel good, and it’s easy to do, and it costs me very little, then why the hell WOULDN’T I want to do it? Their happiness makes me happy.
No two people fit perfectly. Two humans sharing a life - whether lovers, roommates, friends, or family - are always going to have some varying amount of conflicting behaviors/desires. Mature adults figure out how to work together so that everyone is content. Quitting at the first sign of conflict is childish
NOTE: This type of behavior may indicate a severe issue with conflict avoidance. Being unable to resolve conflict in a healthy way is a giant red flag for me. It can often stem from some form of trauma. But imagine what will happen if life throws a real challenge your way and your partner doesn’t have the tools to deal with it.
ETA - Re: note: only you can judge whether it’s worth putting in the effort to try to be there while this person works through their issues
I’m with you, to the tee. As it stands, I feel like my choice/opinion only wins if she’s indifferent to it. “Luckily” she’s quite bad at deciding, so I don’t notice it much. But in the long run this won’t work out so luckily all the time.
Re: note: only you can judge whether it’s worth putting in the effort to try to be there while this person works through their issues
True but my hopes aren’t that high. From what I understood she’s been like that in previous relationships.The odds that this would subside by itself just like that are probably not too high. Like I mentioned somewhere, she’s also not very available for therapy or counceling.
Still, I’ll see what I can and want to do.
Well, you’re talking to someone who played a big role in my wife’s journey to improve herself. So it depends, in my mind, whether you think she has the capacity to improve
I thought I proposed a good and honestly quite normal solution. Talk to each other, take compromises for my partner, accept them not being perfect.
That’s a healthy, mature attitude to have. You deserve a partner who feels the same way. Don’t let this experience change you for the worse.
Your girlfriend seems to hold the belief that people should effortlessly be ideal matches for one another. Unless you’re in a fairy tale, that isn’t how relationships work. She doesn’t want you to change for her because then she thinks she’ll “owe” you, and she’s not willing to change herself. (In a way, that’s actually pretty fair of her. She could just treat you as a doormat, but she isn’t.)
She may be a wonderful person in other ways, but you can’t sustain a relationship with someone who’s not willing to be flexible.
Relationships are all about little compromises. It’s impossible to have a relationship without them so what you say she’s saying is nonsense. So, here are some wild likely wrong guesses that try to make sense of it based on what you’ve said:
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Big changes, like fundamental identity changes, aren’t great for relationships, and maybe she’s had to deal with someone trying to do that kind of change in the past, so she’s come to the false conclusion that nobody should change anything about themselves in a relationship?
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Another potential option is that she’s looking for excuses for the relationship to end but doesn’t want to do it herself.
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She’s naive and childishly wanting someone exactly the same as she is, but she’s with you because she’s still yet to find that mythical prince that she hopes is around the corner.
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She’s having cold feet about the relationship and projecting that pretty normal experience onto something in the relationship to make it your fault.
Anyway, my advice would be couples counseling if she’s willing, to help you both communicate expectations and wants.
Yeah, I don’t think we’re going to any counceling. Personally, I’m a huge fan of therapy for myself. As a human does, I do have issues and I prefer professionally treating them. Sadly, she’s not a fan, which is surprisinf regarding she chose to study pedagogy.
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She said no, changing, even just small changes, for the partner makes no sense, better find someone more “similar”
I think it’s important to figure out WHY she thinks any kind of change for anyone else is always a bad thing.
Did someone once expect her to change the core of who she is for them?
Is she holding to some kind of “to thine own self be true” maxim in both letter AND in spirit? How does she handle things like work environments, where people are expected to modify their actions and behaviours based on a set of rules or guidelines?
Most human beings have the ability to separate feelings and actions when necessary and can perform different actions while still maintaining or holding to their core beliefs and having their feelings acknowledged and respected. You generally don’t have to change who you are just because you’re asked to behave or act differently under a few specific circumstances.
It might be worth trying to identify what it is in particular that she’s resistant to changing with specific examples and then try to determine what it is about those things that bind so tightly to her core concept of who she is as a person.
On the one hand it’s extremely healthy that she’s willing to talk openly about behaviors she finds disturbing, and I like her attitude of not having to change just to meet someone else’s demands that you be what they want you to be. But on the other hand - life and relationships are all about compromise, and even though we like to think we don’t have to give up or change things, the truth is, sometimes to make a relationship work, you DO have to compromise what you want. Each side has to give a little.
So in a way her attitude, while admirable, is also immature. She probably doesn’t yet see why both sides have to give in and be compromising sometimes. Iv’e seen so many people end up alone because they refuse to change or give even a little to the other person’s needs.
I think all you can do is iterate why you find her great to be with and hope she’ll not just give up on you. Relationships ALWAYS take work, and I’ve learned it’s not always a good idea to just up and walk out because of being fed up with the other person.
Honestly, I don’t even think she’s so happy to talk about her problems with me. Like I mentioned, she doesn’t really tell me when something disturbs her. She just finally opened up about it because I’ve been asking how she is and if she’s still feeling down of whatever happened in her family. Still, I’m happy she told me, even if it turns out to be a problem with no solution.
I don’t think showing her my passion to be with her will be the go to strategy for me. I’m not too good for it, I just don’t think it would be healthy for myself. As it stands, I don’t see a future if she can’t take a compromise. Sure, I still love her. But love is not always rational and I’m not sure how long I could stay in love with someone who doesn’t put the work into the relationship that I do (or think I do).
I think it’s beneficial for you both that she opened up about her feelings, I have a friend who just recently after nearly 20 years of marriage had his wife tell him most of his behaviors really bothered her. Imagine, keeping that bottled up all that time!
The point I’m making is that when you get to hear the truth, it DOES give you options to decide which way you want to go. You say you aren’t sure it would be healthy to keep going if she can’t compromise, and that’s a good point and probably what you need to see in order to think about what more you might want in a partner.
I wish you all the best, I know it’s tough out there. Love isn’t rational, and neither are humans a good deal of the time. Good luck with it!
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Not exactly something that can happen in this format, bud.
