To quote the Onion themselves:

No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.

I don’t think Trump intends to field the military against another military anyway. The performance required to massacre civilians isn’t a high bar.

Because novelty is all it has. As soon as it stops improving in a way that makes people say “oh that’s neat”, it has to stand on the practical merits of its capabilities, which is, well, not much.

The reason given for hiding them just makes that fact worse. It’s for “aesthetics”. Manual latches don’t look futuristic enough.

We could have had that. Now, we might not even have an FTC.

Strictly speaking, the energy it consumes is the gravitational potential energy of the ore they’re mining, which would be consumed anyway in the form of, well, gravity, acting on the ore on the way down. They’re just using it productively instead of dissipating it as heat from the brakes. Using only energy that ordinarily would have been wasted is of course very neat, but it’s not breaking any laws of physics.

Do you have the same problem with all adjectives that describe a majority? Heterosexual, right-handed, etc.?

Not too long ago, this would be a career-ending display of corruption.

“Something I hope we can do no matter who you voted for is see each other not as adversaries but as fellow Americans, Bring down the temperature.”

No. Human rights aren’t a disagreement. We can disagree on whether or not we enjoyed a movie or on what pizza toppings we prefer. But if the disagreement is that you want to kill me or people I care about, you are, by definition, my adversary.

That just means you value your own ability to evade blame over the lives of real people.

So he’s just lifting Jimmy Saville’s slogan?

“To all those growing skeptical of this party’s strategies and overall agenda, let me just say we hear you loud and clear. Rest assured we will be doing everything short of interpreting that sound into words and responding to those words in any way shape or form.”

This is an all-timer.

Oh he’d act. He’d assist Russia and be the other Axis power.

The Republic of New England, the Pacific States of America, and Sherman’s Regret.

I’m going full no-contact on the conservative side of my family indefinitely.

Don’t forget what RFK might do in charge of public health. A federal vaccine ban is a nonzero possibility.

If that’s truly the case, we deserve to burn.

2 years. Immediately after the midpoint of the term, he’ll get 25th’d, giving Vance the remainder of the term and leaving him eligible for two more, which he’ll win due to the 2028 and 2032 elections both being North Korea style shams, intended to compile lists of suspected dissidents rather than decide anything.

Trump is just the useful idiot to install Vance, who’s essentially a Musk proxy.

That’s why it’s an unofficial promise, he’s obviously not following through but Musk is dumb enough to trust him.